Anxiety

I know it's not right. I mean, it feels right. Don't get me wrong. I know that when I think about him, the feelings I have, there's nothing wrong with those feelings, but the situation... the situation is wrong. I've been coming to see him for almost a year now. When I first started coming, boy, I was a mess. I was crying all the time. I hated myeslf. I thought about suicide. But now... Now I feel like life is worth living. I come in here once a week and have someone tell me that I'm great. That I'm smart. That I'm beautiful. It's like some otherwordly event walking through these doors. In my life Im not smart. In my life I can barely get dinner on the table on time. I can barerly remember to pick up Renee's dry cleaning or keep the TV guide current. But in here... In here I'm somebody. I'm strong. He makes me feel that way. He makes me believe that I can do anything. He is just a beautiful, beautiful person. I don't know what I would do without him.

This is a monologue that I am preparing for an audition. (The painful death of Sue Ellen Fitch by Thorin Alexander). No, I am not an actress!! But maybe a wannabe? I've always wanted to be in a musical. This year, our local theatre company has "White Christmas" amoung it's line up, and it happens to be my all time favorite movie! So, no time like the present right?!

Also, I have to sing a song, and with the help of a temporary instructor, I have chosen "Bushel and Peck" from Guys and Dolls. It's such a cute song, I love it!

Procrastination will be blamed if I do not do well. I have been putting off practicing beacuse every time I think about this audition I get butterflies and start freaking out! I know my song, but I don't know the monologue at all! The audition is in 5 days.

I keep thinking, well maybe I shouldn't try out. Then I momentarily get my courage back and say "all they can say is no". Why is this audition such a big deal? Why is it so scary??

I hope that everyone else in the world gets as nervous as I do, if not, what is wrong with me! And yet, if everyone else is as scared as me... why do we fear man so much? Why do we care what other people will think or say about us? Why am I afraid to showcase something I love to do (sing).

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13).