Revealing Me: Introduction

I've seen a lot of people lately talking about your 'blog reputation'. I don't want to be fake and pretend everything is good when it's not... pretend that I am perfect when I'm NOT.

I've been a Christian for maybe... 8 years?? I really don't know and I really can't remember when I asked Jesus into my heart.. I think it was at Bible Camp. Maybe my best friend can help me remember this. I have a very bad long term memory for those of you who don't know me, and those who do know me can confirm this. Sometimes it's a blessing and sometimes it feels like a curse.

In those 8 years I have NOT been the best representative for Jesus. There have been high times and VERY low times as well.

I don't want to use the term, re-born, because I don't feel re-born in my faith. I knew what I was doing when I was in those dark places, and I knew that God was there.. I just don't know what made me do what I did. It could almost be thought of the 'rebellious' years of my faith.. was I rebelling against my Father? I don't know...

What I do feel, is... like I've been given another chance, been given a new desire for God. I know that God forgives, but feeling that is another story.

Unless you know me, it's going to be hard for you to understand what I am saying. I could probably write a testimony that would fill a small book but here's a quick outline... a summary of the last few years:

- Found God
- Changed friends, loved God, spent all my time with God
- Put false hope in many things except God, thought everything was going to be peachy
- Moved far away, big changes, lost hope, felt myself falling
- Crawled out of my hole, found new friends, found acceptance and new way of life
- Moved home, felt ashamed, desired God, thought I was ready to accept God back
- Moved again, left God behind, changed friends, tried new things, fell deep, lost good friendships
- Found boy, still no God, but was ok to be happy with boy, formed new friendships
- Married boy, still no God, but was happy with boy but not so happy with the rest of my life
- After various moves and trials, started to realise that something was still missing
- Started taking boy to church, seeking new friendships and evaluating our lives
- And this is where I am now!

It probably doesn't make too much sense but hopefully you can understand a bit better!

Every day my desire grows, and I hope it never stops. If I had to put a time frame of when I finally started opening my heart to God more fully.. it would be the middle of 2009. If I had to put a date of when I starting desiring to walk more closely to God, it would be end of 2009.

However, it wasn't until early this 2010 that I started making serious changes in removing and dismantling those barriers that are holding me back in my faith.

Just looking over that quick summary has inspired me to talk about a few things that have made me stumble in my walk.

1) Putting hope in all the wrong places
2) Not having deep roots or support
3) The need to feel acceptance
4) Choosing folly over wisdom

And then I will reveal what changes I am making or have made in my life this year that I truly believe are going to help me to draw closer to God.

PS I am not using or do not want to use this to uplift myself, or to brag (which would be very hard to do), or for anything self-serving. I use this blog to inspire others, to help me learn more about myself and God and just as an outlet to unclog my mind (maybe that's what's blocking my memory?) I invite you to kindly message me if ever feel like something I say is inappropriate!